Archive for the “Humour” Category

Any posts which are intended to be humourous, whether they are or not.

Since I play a resto Druid, which immediately makes me the World’s Leading Expert on All Things HoT and Heal Related… I thought I would write you all a list of the things which you should do to make you all as awesome as me.  Sure, sure, it isn’t Warlock related… maybe that will come tomorrow.

1.  If you hate healing the people you hate, heal without glasses on.  Seriously… when the name plates are all fuzzy, everyone is equal. (Disclaimer – I take no responsibility for tank death if you use this method).  Of course, it’s just more fun to not heal the people you hate ;-)

2.  Drink a can of Coke for every person in the raid.  The caffeine levels will give you the sufficient amount of ‘jitter’ to click all over the place really fast.  Coffee also works.

3.  Listen to really LOUD ANGRY music.  Slow music = slow sloppy heals, so the faster the better!

4.  Ignore every bastard who tells you to heal them.  When they are dead, they’ll shut up, and you can focus better. Besides, all the chatter takes away from the music!

5.  Tell everyone that you decide who you are healing by throwing a dice.  It should keep them on their toes so they don’t take any extra damage.

6.  When all else fails, stand in the fire and heal yourself through it so you look good on the meters.  No one will notice, honestly.

7.  Healing is great for people who like to multitask.  As a Druid, I often /dance so I look like I’m doing something, then work on painting my toenails.  It generally works out that I can paint one toenail per Rejuv cast on someone.  I also got half way through Guitar Hero WHILE healing!

Using these 7 tricks, you will be well on your way to becoming the best healer EVAR.  You’ll also have glorious looking toenails, and will kick ass at Guitar Hero!

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Since Blizzcon is in a mere six weeks (and boy oh boy am I excited!), I have been pondering ways that Blizzard can try and fix Warlocks.  Once, we were feared.  People were terrified of Warlocks.  They dedicated massive amounts of QQ to Warlocks.  Blizzard nerfed us, and nerfed us, and nerfed us… yet people were still afraid.  Then, all of a sudden, we just weren’t evil anymore.  Seriously?  When did that happen?  Could it have been when the Ritual of Doom stopped killing innocent people?  Could it have been when Death Knights suddenly arrived with their annoying reverse-fear?  Was it when fear got made so crappy that even the lamest of Rogues could escape it?  WHAT happened?!?

So, in the interests of getting our monopoly on ‘Holy Shit it’s a WARLOCK!!’ back, I propose the following:

  • Make Curse of Doom castable on players:  Curse of Doom should be able to be used in PvP.  If it gets dispelled, then it shifts to another target in the party.  It also loses 10 seconds off its duration per dispell.  Teams would have to race to try and get it on a plate wearer or a non squishy before the big kaboom!
  • Bring back Warlock Roulette: The Ritual of Doom should kill someone.  Plain and simple.

bringbackthegank

  • Buff Infernals: Whatever happened to the good old days of releasing infernals in crowded lowbie areas?  Bring back the gank!
  • Team Tap: A Life Tap spell which takes health off a selected member of the party, and returns it to the Warlock.  Like that annoying Mage that you just want to stomp on until they shut their pie hole!
  • Moving Hellfire: Now, I might be wrong on this.  My memory could be faulty.  But I have vague memories of low level runs where I first got Hellfire, and I thought it looked like a GREAT spell!  So, here I went, through wherever it was (Gnomer?  I don’t even remember), and hit the Hellfire spell.  Wait, I’m dying?  What the hell?  Oh well, I’ll just run!  Wait… it’s STILL going?  Oh noes, oh noes!  *die*  At the very least, the Hellfire in the cinematic (you know, the one with the Undead Warlock roflstomping some Murlocs) does not get interrupted by movement.  Bring back the uninterruptable Hellfire!  It does SFA damage to anything anyway, I want a moving AoE!

Fluffehbunneh

  • Killing critters: Not enough locks kill critters.  Kill more critters!
  • Delete Death Knights:  Or at least force them all to wear pink.

pinkDK

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Deconstructing is a word that, frankly, I hear a hell of a lot of.  As an English teacher, I am forever harping at the kidlets (“You call THAT deconstructing??”) about deconstructing all manner of things.  However, this week the ever delightful Spinks has suggested that we deconstruct our own favourite quest.

Now, we all know I don’t really quest.  As in… I pick up a quest.  I look at it.  I abandon it in utter frustration because it is too hard, too boring, too far away, or I just don’t like the sound of it.  However, there are a couple of awesome quests which stick in my mind.  The Wrathgate chain clearly is a standout, as is the Dreadsteed chain, and that other awesome Warlock chain

However.

The best quest.

The quest of ALL quests.

You know the one.

Mmmm…. Amberseeds!

This quest raises so many questions.  Why do they keep the Amberseeds there?  HOW many people have eaten those Amberseeds?  Does the Health Department know about these seeds?

Most importantly….

Who has to clean the bloody toilet?  THAT would be a nasty job!

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… then I read this and realised that would be redundant.

Go forth, and read!  See my perspective on Mages justified!  They are such strange strange little creatures, those Mages.

Strange indeed.

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***Language Alert: some fairly nasty words slip through on this post.  If you are the sensitive sort, might be an idea to skip this one***

When I was bookshopping while I was on holidays (which is where I have been rather than writing here, because, let’s face it, I do need a life outside the internets, ya know?) I came across a little book that intrigued me – “Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the rise of raunch culture”.  A flick through confirmed that the author of the book and I found the same thing in life bloody confusing -  How does prancing around half naked with a Playboy bunny symbol on your shirt make you sexually liberated?  Thus persuaded, I purchased my book, counting it as a strike against the ditzes and bimboes in the world that I seem to encounter everyday.

Well, I came home, half unpacked since I am a lazy ass, forgot about the books, and spent the week doing what I do best when it’s holidays: played WoW and ate Tim Tams.  While I was playing I decided to participate in the wonderfully timed Noblegarden holiday.

This holiday activity sounds fairly innocuous – collect eggs, eat chocolate, get a bunneh pet.  I got all that stuff done, got myself a pretty dress, a basket, and a cute set of ‘I’m totally fuckable bunneh ears’

… wait, what?

Fuckable bunneh ears?  And that’s not the end of it!  In my total ignorance of my own fricking beliefs, I screenshot said bunneh ears (perched oh so cutely on top of my sophisticated head), crop it to REALLY draw attention to my ears, and stick it up on Twitter.

Yeah.  I basically just advertised to the internet that I am a bimbo.  Saresa the Noble, my ass!

Way to go Sar, way to compromise your beliefs right there.  To be honest, I am not sure why I find the ears so appealing… I haven’t taken the picture down, despite the objections I have to it.  Guess we can just add hypocrisy to my list of faults – it’s OK to compromise all my beliefs if I look damn hot doing it!

Of course… I could look more like this chick right here: next to her I look downright Victorian Prudish.  The men sure liked her though, about as much as I liked the men in dresses!

WoWScrnShot_042609_232903

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Our raid the other night started out just like any other raid would.  We zoned in, I forgot to use my flasks, soulstoned a mage just for kicks (OK.. not really, but I came awfully close!), and chewed our way through some tasty Undead trash.  Yum.  Then we hear this tiny little voice pipe up in Vent (tiny because it was a Priest – they lack that big awesome BOOM factor Warlocks have, ya’know?)

“I have a GM coming into the raid”

What now?  A GM?  What on earth for?

Well… as it turns out, afore mentioned priest had some form of issue which had to be sorted out.  When a GM finally got to her ticket and asked her if she had time to chat, she said ‘sure, but I am in a Naxx 25 raid’.  He/She/It replied ‘Hey, you know what, I’ll come into your raid and see you.  It’s only 10 minutes until I break anyway.  Besides, I heard rumours of a really awesome Warlock who runs with you – apparently really smart and good looking.  I think his name is Lastcald’.  I’ll bet he was disappointed when he found out I was the only lock in the raid!**

Now… this was really hard to believe.  I just couldn’t imagine it.  Why would a GM want to come to OUR raid?  I am sure that GM’s could be doing all sorts of much more fun things… spying on people engaging in ‘suspicious activities’ in the Tram, for example.  Or throwing annoying Horde off cliffs…  or changing Tauren’s faces so that they had Tauren bodies, but Gnome heads. I’d totally do that if I was a GM.  Regardless, A GM did show up… with another GM in tow!

I really can’t describe the lunacy accurately with words.  However, since I spent the whole boss fight spamming screenshot rather than actually killing things, I have plenty of pictures instead.  Everyone, meet Soniwam and Donnikel.

WoWScrnShot_032709_142409 The moment I noticed them arrive… I was a smidge delayed by having to run back to my corpse ><

KissOh yeah, I was kissed by a GM.  Score.

WoWScrnShot_032709_141924My leet GM induced lag.  Well… convenient to blame them anyhow.

WoWScrnShot_032709_142559The GM form of wishing someone luck?

WoWScrnShot_032709_142639GM’s make mistakes too!  Taking 10 people into a 25 man, I would never screw up and do that… *looks innocent*

Pirates and NinjasPirates versus Ninjas!

**Note:  I do not know what the conversation really was.  All I know is 2 GM’s rocked up to our raid.

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WoWScrnShot_032509_181620

kungaloosh

  Kungaloosh!!  Making Mages more attractive and Bosses easier (*wink*) since… well, since I knew how to cook the stuff! 

 

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I remember when I first made Saresa, all those years ago.  She was a fairly unique specimen back then… there were about half a dozen Saresa’s roaming around Azeroth, and we were a variety of races and classes.

Well, things have since changed… and I would like to say that it was my influence which has caused this, but I suspect that it might just be random luck.  After all, who would copy me, right?…

saresasWould the real Saresa please stand up?

The Real Saresa (apologies to Eminem) – The VERY abridged version – the song is just too damn long to rewrite the whole thing.  Please note: some authentic Eminem style language snuck through, sorry!

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Saresa please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Saresa please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here..

Y’all act like you never seen a warlock before
Runnin’ round like crazy, like I feared you through the floor
and sent a crazy hound from hell to your door.
You popped your bubble, hearth stoned your way out of trouble(Ahh!)
Then said to yourself, ‘I wanna be just like her!’ 
Fast pewpewing my way through the Twisting Nether!"
And Blizzard, they said… Where the hell’s my Nerf Bat?!
Warlocks killing too fast, must fix that! (Ha-ha!)

All the Horde players love Saresa {*vocal turntable:
chigga chigga chigga*} "Saresa, I’m sick of her
Look at her, walkin around cursin’ all the critters,
Corrupting the lowbies," "Yeah, but she’s so cute though!"
Yeah, I probably am more evil than what you are used to
But no worse than Death Knights flippin’ sides like a seal
Sometimes, I wanna get in BG’s and just let loose, but can’t
though it’s cool for Pally’s to stun lock me, shoo!

"My name is on your lips, my name is on your lips"
And if I’m lucky, you might just copy it, little kids
And make your own ‘locks that pewpew all the little mages
And smash them in PvE on the damage meters
Of course they’re gonna know what soulshatter is
Pulling aggro like crazy
tryin’ not to die in a pile of evil lock ashes
’Less we kill ourselves, that is .." Lifetappin’, Hellfirin’, emo
suicide to save on repair bills {*KA-CHING*}

Chorus: 
I’m Saresa, yes I’m the real Sar-E
All you other Saresa’s are just imitating
So won’t the real Saresa please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

Hunters don’t gotta work in the raids to do some damage;
well I do, so fuck them and fuck you too!
You think I give a damn about a meter?
Half of you guilds don’t wanna know me, let alone invite me
"But Sar, what if you pwned, wouldn’t it be weird?"
I’m sick of you little girl and boy toons, all you do is annoy me
so I have been sent here to destroy you {*bzzzt*}
And there’s a million of us just like me
who curse like me; who kill all the critters like me
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

Chorus x2

Ha ha
Guess there’s a Saresa in all of us
Stuff it, let’s all stand up

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No… not a GEAR list.  A Christmas List!  There’s a difference!  So, if you all love Sar, you shall mail her the following 5 things:

1.  4000 Gold in unmarked coins by New Year’s, or the rabbit gets it!

… wait, Sar, Christmas theme, not Gangster theme!  The gold to be honest is merely a means to an end for a much greater goal – Sar’s epic flying.  While I have always professed that being slow doesn’t bother me… it’s starting to get on my nerves.  Especially with the 50 billion ZILLION flying mounts available as random rewards for people who are fast in instances.

2.  The Afore Mentioned Fast Mount.

Specifically – the red drake from Wyrmrest rep.  Mmmmm yummy!  I have also had a fondness for the Cenarion Hyppogriff (however you spell that dang thing).  I have the rep… just need the gold! (see above – and add a couple k gold to it).

3.  A Dagger and Offhand so I can stabby stabby rather than whacky whacky

I hate staves.  Staves bug the CRAP out of me.  Can you imagine my disappointment when I realised that I had sold off my dagger and offhand – and then got my figureprint.  Now, I have to pose Sar with a Stoopid Staff

My love affair with daggers first began when I saw Blade of Eternal Darkness in AtlasLoot.  I wanted it – between the supremely evil name, the stabby stabby factor, and the somewhat nifty ‘on equip’ bonus, I was in love.  Staves have always reminded me of Priests and Mages – not the look I wanted.  I wanted to have a potent, magical dagger, that I could walk around and stab people with when the urge took me.  If I felt like thwapping them, I’d thwap them over the head with my offhand. 

4.  More Levels

Please, Pleeeease!  I would love a few more levels – 3 for Sar, the left overs can go to Herm.  As you all know, I am a disgustingly slow leveler.  I suck at levelling!  Most of my guild has raced ahead of me – most of them have raced ahead of me on more than one character!  How is this fair?

5.  Green Fire

Please Santa?  Please Please Please??  I’ll leave you cookies and everything!

Love, Sar

P.S.  I have been good.  I have a whole heap of victims witnesses cowering waiting in the corner ready to say I have been!

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Crabs

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