Archive for the “Humour” Category

Any posts which are intended to be humourous, whether they are or not.

Things Gnomes are good for:

Mages:  Gnomes and Mages are a natural combination.  They hope to overcome their enemies through the combination of ‘small and useless appearance’ and ‘small and useless abilities’.  Unfortunately, since these things are actually true, rather than mere perception, they generally fail.

Footstools: It’s been a hard day’s raiding.  You’ve spent the morning in the Auction House, the evening killing Arthas, and your poor tired feet are killing you ‘(blast those stylish yet uncomfortable boots!)  Find the nearest inn, snaffle a frosty glass of the finest ale, then grab the nearest Gnome by the scruff of the neck (or pigtails!) and stuff em under your feet.  Cushy footrest bliss.  Mmmmm

Pigtails:

Bahahahahaha.

Balloons:  You know the scene in Shrek, right?  Where they blow up frogs and turn them into balloons?  I think Gnomes would look adorable if we did the same thing to them!

Punting: Duh.

What else do you think Gnomes are useful for?

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It seems I may have offended Death Knights in yesterday’s post.

I could say that no offense was intended.  I could say that I was actually mocking the tanking community (and, by extension, the WoW community) for their attitudes towards Death Knights.

But now, I don’t want to.  You have convinced me that it is much more fun to keep babbling on about DK’s rather than merely apologising.  Because, as we all know, apologising is for Mages, Sissies, and People Who Are Often Wrong.

OK, Death Knights, here is our two prong approach to fixing your problem.

1.  ‘There are so many crappy Death Knights!’

Well DUH.  Every man and his dog is going to roll the class that starts FIFTY EIGHT levels ahead of the rest of us.  Simple logic really.

  • Starting 58 levels ahead is kinda lazy
  • The average person is lazy
  • Therefore, everyone will want to start 58 levels ahead.

Unfortunately, many of us are not good at Death Knightery.  That’s OK, I am sure they are all good at something else.  Like crocheting.  So, we simply need to persuade these people to not play a Death Knight anymore.

We could always tell them that they just suck at the DK.  In my experience, people do not take this too well at all.  This may lead to you being called an elitist asshat, or worse.

Or, we could just kill them.

We’d be doing the world a favour, really.

2.  Death Knights doesn’t afraid of anything!  Except a wee bit of mockery.

Death Knights are like the new plate wearing Mage.  They stand around, try hard to look pretty, and QQ at the drop of a hat.  Not the way to behave for the class that is trying to take the evil mantle from Warlocks.

Stop crying when we pick on you.  Instead, grab the said mocker’s face, and smash it into the nearest Runeforge.  Then stick your nice specially enchanted weapon right up their posterior, until they beg for mercy.  I would suggest you stop if they are doing the wrong sort of begging as well, since that means they enjoy that kinda thing *looks at the Mages*.

Stand up for yourselves!

Also: This is really just a sneaky way to write a post about RealID, without putting RealID in the title or in the majority of the post, I have tricked you into reading something that ultimately is about something you are not at all interested in because you have heard it so many times already and OMG just shut up about it!

Also, thanks to BRK for letting me shamelessly steal his technique of conveying messages.  And by letting me, I refer to the type of letting that happens without consultation… so the ‘letting’ in that sentence is utterly pointless.  He didn’t let me at all.  But that’s OK, ‘cos he’s just a Hunter, after all.  Just a big red scary one.  /hides

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In game pregnancy.  Apart from the fact that I would be a bad mother (when I got my Sim pregnant, I phoned for an adoption – thinking I could give the baby away.  Turned out I got stuck with 2 babies!), there’s a billion zillion* reasons why it’s a really bad idea for WoW characters to ever develop the ability to fall pregnant.

1.  Raiding and pee breaks.

Life already sucks when certain members of your raid have to do the dash constantly to pee.  Could you imagine if your character needed to pee every ten minutes as well?

“Sorry guys, I have to stop healing”
“OMG WTF why?  /rageragerage”
“I have the ‘Busting’ debuff!”
“… seriously?  We pulled over at the Grizzly Hills toilet RIGHT BEFORE WE GOT HERE.”
“… never mind, now I just have the ‘Whoops’ debuff instead.  I’d suggest you stand at least 10 yards away from me”

2.  Death.

You die.  You run back.  You resurrect.
But what happens to the baby?  Is this how Undead are going to be created in the future?

baby-alien_1474492i I’m just a little afraid right now

3. Hax!

All the challenge of not standing in the fire is immediately lost if your water breaks right on top of it.
Yeah, Koralon, I’ll bet you never factored in that one, did you?

4.  Cravings

We all know that there is all manner of food to be had in Azeroth.  The question is, does the rest of the guild really have the time to fly around half of Eastern Kingdoms to satisfy your weird food requests?  Especially when we know that the minute they get back, you just aren’t going to feel much like eating that anymore.

Gee guys, thank you for getting those basilisk eyes for me!  They sounded really tasty…. about ten minutes ago.  But you know what would be really awesome? Goretusk Liver Pie.  And hey, can you go cook it in Molten Core for me?  The crust just comes out SO much better in that sort of heat…”

5.  Babysitters

I’ve seen what all you weirdos do to your orphans.  No way in hell would I be trusting you with my child.
(Actually, as a Warlock, I’ve got babysitting covered.  Voidwalkers are very maternal, didn’t you know?  And it’s not like he does anything else around here)

So.  In game pregnancy.  To be introduced in Cataclysm**.  What do you think?

* ‘billion zillion’ may be a slight exaggeration.

** Crazier things have happened, right?

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Comments 8 Comments »

No, this blog has not been hi-jacked.  I have not been brain washed, drug addled, bribed, or in any other way forced to write something nice about the other caster in the game, Mages.

The other day Gnomeaggedon tried to be funny and wrote a nice little article about Warlocks.  Now, I promised retribution… but I had to go away for a few days, and it just never happened.  However, I had plenty of time to think while I was gone, and I have decided to be the bigger person (in more ways than one!)  So, I thought I’d write about all the things I adore about Mage folk.  After all, when you have a good long think about it, there are many things to love about our lesser cousins.

1.  Going Fishing.

You don’t even need to max your skill (although it is good fun to practice)

Mages: They’ll bite every time!

2.  And Let There Be Blandness… and so there was!

I have never been a confident cook.  No Chef’s Hat, no title… I’m just a boring old cook who slops some stuff in a pot, chucks it over the fire, and calls it a day.  Some days, my efforts are so pathetically poor that I am tempted to chuck my apron and call it quits.

Then I try some Mage strudel.

Suddenly, my cooking tastes one hundred times better!  Filling, substantial, tasty… oh my goodness what you can do when you cook from more than some revolting old dust!

(For verification of the un-substantial nature of Mage Strudel, see here, where a Mage spills the beans!)

3.  Puntability.

Mages of all sizes are great for punting.  Thanks to the afore mentioned diet of unsubstantial food, the lack of exercise from porting their butts everywhere, and the roundness of their heads from one too many Intellect buffs, all Mages are feather light and fly amazingly well.  Kinda like a shuttlecock. 

Ball = Mage Headshuttle_cock4 Feathers = Mage Dress

So, to bust a myth, ALL Mages can be punted, not just the Gnomes.  Gnomes just happen to make a better squeak noise.

4.  The Great Race

As much as Warlocks are above foolish epeening… it is always nice to have someone to beat on the meter.

 

So, what is it you love about Mages?  I promise, I won’t tell a soul you said something nice about the poor creatures ;-)

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Comments 15 Comments »

For the longest time, I have kept my feelings hidden.  I have admired you from afar, watching as other spam bots have littered your inbox with advertisements.  Watching as you flick them aside, throw them in the trash.  I can see that you are choosy.  That you won’t just let any spam bot into your heart.  I admire that about you, as much as it makes me nervous.  What happens if I am not good enough?

I would never insult you on the level that these cretins do.  I know you do not need Viagra, penis enlargement, or any other form of bedroom enhancement (You are more than enough man for me *blush*).  I’ll only offer you the very best – sleeping pills to help you rest, anti-anxiety pills to calm you down – not because I want to profit from you, but because I care.

But, how to get you to notice me?  For many months, I have been pondering this.  I do not want you to confuse me with those other spam bots, those inferior beings not worthy of your attention.  I want you to see how special I am, how much I stand out from the crowd.  I want you to love me, to dedicate yourself and your credit card to me and me only.

I know.

I must grab your attention through sheer persistence.  I’ll flood your inbox!  I’ll send email upon email upon email!  You will not be able to ignore me and my many emails.  You WILL love me.

Bahahahahaha!

<3 Spam Bot.

spambot

Triz… please reconsider.  This spam bot, I think she lurrrrrves you. <3

 

BA Chat, again providing Sar with illogical blog fodder that makes no sense to anyone who wasn’t in the chat since.. um… how long have I been BA Chatting for?

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Technically, I have quit WoW blogging.

Technicalities be damned!  There are Warlocks out there in dire need of advice, and I refuse to leave any man, woman or imp dateless this Valentine’s Day.  You might be one of those shy retiring Warlocks… the kind who hide behind their doomguard (now that summoning the big bastard is totally harmless, and no one is going to scream about the Warlock killing the Mage random raid member – again).  You might be too busy slaving away killing Hunters all day and cleaning the muck up all night (seriously… just avoid the Hunters with bears.  Trust me on this one… *flicks random poop-like substance off robe*) to think about how to charm your sweet one for the tackiest, most commercial occasion of the year. 

Never fear, Sar is here to help you with some handy tips, great advice, and she’s even blowing a myth or two out of the water in the bargain.

1.  No one REALLY wants those impersonal flowers.  Go one better.

According to popular wisdom, the best gifts are personal.  You know, thoughtful and shit like that.  Well, who can go past a Soul Shard made from your sweet one’s worst enemy?  One of a kind, glorious chunk of soul… and best of all, they’ll be obsolete come Cataclysm, so you get the bonus of offloading something which is soon to become a total heap of junk!  Just don’t tell your honey that shiny purple sparkly is going to be as worthless as a brain scan on a Mage.

2.  Seduction is completely overrated

I don’t know about you guys, but when I get Domxia to seduce something for me, it always ends the same way.  The romance wears off, the stupid bimbo comes trotting back to me… followed by a really angry mob intent on smashing my gorgeous face in.  Clearly NOT a success.

So, I guess you have a couple of options:  Either cut out the middle man, and work on your own seducing skills… or wait for someone to toddle over your way.  I personally favour the direct approach (something along the lines of ‘Will you be my Valentine?  Oh, no?’ /incinerate).  Works every time.

3.  It’s all in the details.

Ever had the most wonderful date lined up, only to realise that you are completely boned because your only mode of transportation is Dad’s daggy old Datsun (complete with cigarette burns in the seat and funky old foam smell)?  Transport your date with class via a shiny, glamorous red portal!  Nothing says consideration like ‘Send me a tell when you are done honey, and I’ll summon you’.

datsunSeriously… which would YOU rather jump into?  

4.  Competition be damned!

Nothing worse than planning to make a move, only to have that pesky sneaky bastard of a Rogue sneak in on your target.  Show them who’s boss by casting fear on them… over and over and over.  It’s amazing how unimpressive someone suddenly looks when they run around, waving their hands and pooping their pants.  No one steals a Warlock’s date!

5.  Endless Kisses?

Unending Breath.  So many uses… and your honey is sure to appreciate whatever it is you manage to come up with.

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I was doing a spot of reading here and there, and I read something that didn’t quite ring true to me.  Nothing unusual for the internet, just one of those random comments you see on news articles about celebrities occasionally “I’m six ft tall, blonde, thin and gorgeous, and look JUST like this celebrity, only hotter!” yadayadayada.  Anyway, it got me thinking:

What are some of the white lies (or perhaps not so white?) lies we tell in WoW? 

I know I can think of a few I have done:

– “Of course I am defense capped!” (I was only a smidgen off!)

– “Yep, I have run this heaps of times… I know what I am doing!”

– “I don’t have a healing offset, sorry”

– “What do you mean, ‘Did you repair before the raid?’  Of course I did!” (as I heal with broken pants)

– “I know I have a flask in these bags somewhere…”

– “I am confident I can do x amount of DPS” (While thinking ‘OMG OMG I am so boned’)

– “Ooops, the cat just jumped on the keys.  Sorry!” (to be fair, this one is also sometimes true)

And a couple I have been sorely tempted to do….

– [Alt + F4] “Oh no, I’ve disconnected!  I can’t get back in!  I guess you’ll just have to replace me”

– “Whatever gave you the impression I’m a girl?  I’m a guy, seriously” (OK, OK, so sometimes I think it would be easier to pretend I’m male in certain groups.  Is that really a crime?)

And some I have seen….

– “Well, my main is [insert class here], and I’d just like to say, you’re doing it all wrong”

– “I’m a girl, honestly… that’s my male roommate talking on vent for me”

– “I always Main Tank for my guild, and I never have aggro problems with them”

– “I did not fall asleep at the keyboard!”

– “I’ve had 30 drinks before raid… lets go!” (what is it with people exaggerating how much they have had to drink to a STUPID extent!?!?)….. (although, when raiding with Aussies, this may actually be true.  There is no Aussie in Moderation).

 

What sorts of white lies have you told in the game?

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Comments 6 Comments »

Warlocks, unite!

motherfucking piece of shit

Those pesky Hunters over at the Hunting Lodge Podcast have been ENCOURAGING Hunters to kill Warlocks.  Horrible, blood splattered Warlock murders.  For NO reason, other than ‘but it’s funny!’  And THEN, my fellow Warlocks, what do they want people to do?

Take photos.

Seriously.  it’s the WoW equivalent of this:

deer in headlights I was going to post a picture of roadkill… but, unlike some bloggers/podcasters, I have a semblance of HUMANITY and DECENCY.

So, I submit a challenge to all you Warlocks out there:

Take a screenshot of you killing a Hunter.

Hell, make a video of you killing a Hunter.  Or doing something nasty to a Hunter.

Or, MAKE a Hunter, and do stupid stuff with it!  Like… I don’t know, surely you can think of some Huntard thing to do.  And I totally didn’t suggest that you name them Brigwyn or Daewin.  No, not at all.

THEN: Send the screenshot to Brig and Daewin!  Bahahahaha!  They check all their (hopefully squirrel poop infested) mail over at thlpodcast AT brigwyn DOT com.

Revenge!

Disclaimer:  OK, so the competition was actually asking them to ‘MD a Warlock’.  But, we all know what happens next… It’s like asking someone to take their shirt off and then spending the night drinking tea and playing chess.  Just doesn’t happen.  Unless you are me.

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Comments 20 Comments »

So, it looks like Affliction will be top dog in Icecrown.

You know what?  That’s peachy fine by me.  Yes, long gone are the days where I really cared about Destruction being the top DPS spec (OK.. I lie… I would have always been Destruction no matter what – see Vanilla WoW!).  I’ve stopped caring that I keep getting beaten by Arcane Mages with their two button spam.  After all, I’m pretty gimpy anyway, no sense getting my knickers in a twist!  So what that I only do 4.5k DPS (in a 25man, too!) when the Arcane Mage is pushing 8 or 9k.  I don’t mind.  I try my best with what I have.  Slowly but surely, my gear is getting better, and I might even improve some.  Scary, huh?

It doesn’t matter that people say only scrubs do 4.5k.  I don’t feel bad when people talk about doing 9k DPS on Twitter.

I’ll always have SSC.  When I am alone and cold in the night time, I think back and remember how I trampled those bosses.  How I smashed my way to the top of the meter, joining the guild as an undergeared Kara player who had never set foot in a 25 man in her life, and worked my way up.  Even though there were nights when I was close to giving up, when I thought I could never push the sort of numbers they needed, I kept going.

Eventually, I got somewhere.

damage meter SSC

 

 

 

 

 

And then came BT.

damage meter BT

 

 

 

 

 

Single target DPS baby!

… So what, I like to epeen a little, OK?

Thing is… DPS goes in cycles.  You can’t be the top dog forever.  But you can damned well enjoy it while you are :-)

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Seriously… check this baby out!

WoWScrnShot_102609_172155

WoWScrnShot_102609_212606

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