Many people believe that they could be Warlocks.  Some people think that it is barely even a challenge.  All the time, I am hearing “Pshaw, I could easily be a Warlock.  They aren’t THAT awesome, and besides, how hard is it to be evil?”  Well… let’s have a quick run down of what could be a Warlock and what could not.

1.  Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is often hailed as the weird geek be all and end all of power.  If it can be done, he can do it.  Hell, if it can’t be done, he can probably do it.  However, Chuck is unfortunately severely lacking in the awesome that is required to be a Warlock.  Why?

  • Melee Combat – way to risk getting a broken nose, doofus.
  • No Magical Powers – epic fail, right there.
  • No understanding of the term ‘Damage OVER TIME’ – instantly pwning things is neither evil nor fun.
  • This photo right here: chuck-norrisGuns are for noobs and people who fail at throwing firey balls of doom out of their hands.

Warlock Capable Factor: Hell No.

2.  Darth Vader.

Darth Vader.  He wears all black.  He has a creepy voice.  He wears a bad ass helmet.  He only has one hand.  He killed a whole heap of children.  He lives in the Death Star, for frick’s sake.  How can you get more evil than that?

Well, for starters… you don’t let someone CHOP YOUR HAND OFF.  You also don’t emo out at any opportunity – seriously, grow a pair and deal with it.  When you kill children, you don’t get all emo about that, either.  And you cook them afterwards – it’s only proper.

Warlock Capable Factor: Nope.  Evil?  Maybe a little.  But definitely lacking the brains.

3.  Cats.

For this, I am going to use my cat Suki as an example.

14102009381Suki is the ridiculously small, white, fluffy thing that is curled up into a ball. The other cat is Kamiko, my monstrous tabby of doom.  The other day, she killed a bird and left the remains scattered throughout my parents’ house, with most of the body under their bed. Mmm yummy.

Anyway, I digress.

Suki is like the Gnome Warlocks.  Small, fluffy, absolutely adorable.  She is totally deaf, and half blind. One would think that she is entirely helpless.  Of course, we would be disregarding her ranged attacks…

  • Fear (or, the Hiss of Death) – She has perfected the art of jumping in front of other animals, puffing up, and letting out an ungodly hiss that sends them running.  It works particularly well on my ridiculously large dog, who is terrified of Suki.
  • The Fur DoT – Often weakening me to a wheezing state of utter helplessness, Suki deposits fur in cunning places (such as my pillows, in the clean washing, and on my towels).  She is not always around when I finally succumb, but I know that she is off cackling somewhere!
  • Minion control – she often chases Kamiko into inconvenient places… like right in front of my feet before I walk down stairs, or as I step out of the shower.  She does this knowing that my first reaction will be to blame Kamiko as I go tumbling over.  Evil indeed.

Warlock Capable Factor: I’d have her on my raid team any day.


I think this conclusively proves that many of the people who THINK they are awesome enough to be a Warlock clearly are not.  Warlockery is difficult, you know, and it takes a lot more awesome than what most people contain.  Hell, Warlocks have more awesome in them than most people have in their little finger. 

Do you think YOU have what it takes to be a Warlock?

5 Responses to “Do You Qualify To Be A Warlock?”
  1. Amen, sister. You preach it!

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  3. [...] Do You Qualify to be a Warlock?–You are not evil enough, trust me [...]

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  4. [...] Do You Qualify to be a Warlock?–You are not evil enough, trust me [...]

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