To all my admirers,
I know I am wonderful beyond all imagining. My accent with its hidden ‘r’ noises and whiny twang is music to your ears. My propensity to throw smiley faces at the end of sentences or to giggle helplessly every time you say something makes me appear ‘charming’ – or stupid, but since you admire me so, let’s go with charming. My masterful use of the words ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’ (something much of the population has forgotten about) indicate that I am thoughtful and polite in all forms of company. However, despite these wonderful characteristics I apparently display, pursuing me is NOT A GOOD IDEA. To remind you why, here are some answers to Frequently Asked Questions. (By frequently asked: yes, I have actually been asked most of these things)
Will you have my babies?
No, I will not have your children. Unless you live in Ohio, where I am still legally allowed to breed.
Are you a girl?
Yes, I am a girl. My name, appearance and voice would seem to indicate that. Even better, I have always been female. For some of you, that alone puts me out of reach.
Are you English?
I live in Australia. Not England. This means I am not a gorgeous English Rose, but rather a crass Aussie Bogan. If you met me you would be horribly disappointed. I burp loudly, don’t excuse myself, and point out people who look funny in public.
Can you please make me some water?
I’m a Warlock. Not a Mage. Get that through your head. Warlock = awesome. Mage = awesomely inferior to a Warlock.
I can help you find your way to the light ;) OR Can you show me life on the Dark Side?
Being a Warlock means I am inherently evil. No, you can’t help me find my way out of the Dark Side. No, I wont try to bring you over to the Dark Side either. Frankly, you just aren’t cool enough.
Wouldn’t you be happier being good? I can help you come to the good side.
The afore mentioned Dark Side generally refers to Star Wars. I am a lock, not Darth Vader. I enjoy being evil. Have you ever noticed how most villains are portrayed as being tormented or miserable? Nup, that’s not me, I love being engaging in torturous deeds on innocent strangers. Killing babies is fun!
OMG I love you! Do you have a fan club!
7. There IS an Official Sar Fan Club. You DO have to pay to join. I WONT sign anything.
…Ew. I am especially not signing that.